Baby steps are kind of working. I’ve been to boxing class. I would go everyday if I could even though it sometimes makes me want to vomit. I haven’t been eating as poorly, although I still I have my moments. Like the peanut butter cup brownies I made yesterday. And the excessive chocolate and cupcakes with my office-mates after my boss and her boss told us about 5 people would be laid-off next week. There are only 10 of us in the office. Fun times. I hate my workplace so much I ALMOST would welcome a layoff if it wasn’t during the worst economic crisis since the great depression. Plus, I could go to boxing class 3 times a week!

So it’s a month late. It seems to have taken me an extra month to adjust to the new year. But here I am. And back to getting myself together. Tonight I’m going to boxing. It hurts for days, but I love it. After. I have my clementines and lentil stew for lunch. Filling and healthy. And homemade chicken soup waiting for dinner. I am working on babysteps.

Plus, I read this great post (chuck full of important information) and was reminded that I also need to lose weight becasue I am at a greater risk for heart disease (high cholesteral, mom had a heart-attack in her 40s, and some blood test indicated I just have a greater chance of heart disease, even without all those other factors). It’s American Heart Month, people! Pay attention! And on Friday you should wear red. Your heart is in your own hands.

More months, another season and still no progress. No progress on any front, really. Sigh. I don’t know what I need for motivation, I do know I need to get out of my rut. I was all excited to go to boxing last weekend, but, of course, chickened out at the last minute. All I could think of if how it would look for a 300-plus pound woman to show up at the boxing studio. Not pretty. Although when I first started kickboxing class I wasn’t that much thinner than I am now. So I guess I will start with a small goal: go to boxing class on Saturday. Wish me luck.

Well, I continue the downward spiral with my poor eating habits. Today it was frozen pizza (not even good, yet I eat it!) and chocolate. And I didn’t weigh myself, as I promised myself. Tomorrow I can’t avoid it; I have an appointment with a nutritionist. It’s my second and I haven’t made much progress. As she said the first time, I can’t accomplish anything until I’m ready. Why am I not ready?!

This past weekend presented two confluences of events. (Is that even a correct sentence?!)

I’m ending my sessions with my current therapist. I pick these people who are completing a one-year fellowship. I am not doing it a third time. It’s tiring telling my story again and again Of course the focus was on my continued weight gain. I think I’m over 350. And my brief journey into excessive drinking – coming home from work and enjoying a bottle of Trader Joe’s wine. Only during the weekdays; work is miserable (for everyone, not just me). And what my rock bottom will be. Gaining over 100 pounds in less than 2 years, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, seat belt extenders and breaking my couch didn’t seem to do the trick.

But yesterday I went on a day-long journey to find a bathing suit. Beach season is here and I still love to swim in the ocean no matter what size I am. As you can imagine, it didn’t go well. I barely (and often didn’t) fit into the largest sizes at Lane Bryant. There were no plus size bathing a suits at Macy’s. And maybe 4 at Kohl’s. I even went to Sears. I was stunned to see what my body had become. I didn’t recognize myself. And my feet hurt from all the walking. Then last night I met friends for dinner. A friend of mine got a new camera and was taking pictures and I saw one of me. Again, I didn’t recognize myself. And last night decided I’d had enough. No one is going to fix me but me. I miss being healthy and active. And another summer will pass without me getting up on the surfboard.

So today I bought lots of healthy food and spent several hours cooking and cutting. I took the dog on longer walks. And tomorrow I’m riding my bike to work again. I also bought a scale and a full-length mirror. I feel so removed from my body I think I need to weight myself everyday, at least for a little while. Tomorrow is the first weigh-in. I’m a little nervous.

My other confluence? At 12:30 this morning I took Psycho Pup out for his last bathroom break before bed. I can’t use my little backyard at night anymore because of the bunny population. Psycho Pup goes CRAZY, even though I can’t see anything. So there we were — across the street from my house in the grassy area with the parking meters — when I see something scurrying down the street; a bunny. He went crazy. Then my neighbor pulled into the driveway; more craziness. Finally, his arch nemesis: the old St. Bernard that lives around the corner, with her Marmaduke-like buddy. All within 15 seconds. I’m sure my neighbors are loving us. Good thing he’s a ridiculously cute dog.

I stared out strong today! Good breakfast. Then I came to work.

Sigh.

I think my job is a HUGE part of my eating problem. This past weekend I was busy and active. One rather GIGANTIC poor food choice – an Uno’s chocolate peanut butter cup – because I ate almost the entire thing and it turns out it’s more than my calorie consumption should be for the entire day. It was good, but not almost 1800 calories good. It’s appalling really. Now I’ve depressed myself by looking it up. Damn Unos!!

I get to work and I fall apart. Thank god we don’t have lots events this week which means lots of cookies and brownies. They’re not even that good, but that doesn’t stop me from consuming larges quantities of them.

I had a phone interview for a job I would LOVE last week. She’s making the decision for the second round of interviews this week. It went really well – it’s in the field I want to work in, in the city I want to be in, challenging work and a decent salary. And I will be miserable if I don’t get a call back OR if I do get a call back. I drive myself crazy. I want change but it scares me and there’s something about the comfortableness of my job I hate and my body I hate…..

Ok, several events led me back to this blogging effort. Perhaps if I write them down the impact they have in my head will have an impact on my actions?! Who the hell knows. First one was at a conference in another city and, as I was walking down the street, a homeless woman walked by me and said, “Wow, you look like a linebacker from the 49ers.” A professional football linebacker. That was a first.

Yesterday I was enjoying the beautiful day and walking my dog along the Charles River. A couple walks by me and the guy says to his girlfriend, “No, trust me, you’re not THAT fat!” What the FUCK. I know exactly what she said, because I would ask or wonder the same question myself of other people, granted it was never in earshot of that person. After all these years of being fat, I still can’t understand why people think it’s ok to say this kind of stuff. And why I still let it get to me.

I also went to a nutritionist this week. My doctor sent me to her to help lose weight and lower my cholesterol. I said I didn’t need to go because I know how to eat well, I read Self magazine and bought You On a Diet! I just don’t do it. That’s why I’m in counseling. She wanted me to go anyway and said she ’s give me 6 months to lower my cholesterol before putting me on drugs. I do not want to be in my 30s on cholesterol medication. But I also have a family history of heart disease.

Anyway, I went and I really liked this woman. She was direct and kind and also said this won’t work unless I’m ready. When will I be ready?!

I am back on the weight-loss bandwagon again. I will weigh myself tomorrow at the gym and enjoy my homemade meals. I’m SO TIRED of quitting. I still haven’t figured out what the “last straw” needs to be to get my butt in gear. This week it’s cleaning out my apartment – getting rid of PILES and boxes of stuff that have been sitting in front of my lovely fireplace since I moved in July.

In the continuing quest to improve my life and stuff, I have been looking into meditation. Just looking. And I was planning on attending an “intro to Buddhism and meditation” class tomorrow night, 7-9pm. BUT, the season-premiere of LOST is tomorrow night!! What is a girl to do?? It’s not the same effect if I record it and watch later. Plus, I don’t have a dvr, tivo or a working vcr to record it.

Here it is, January 1, and although I’ve thought about and discussed (at a brunch with friends last week) my resolutions, I still haven’t written them down. You could say I’m procrastinating. I’m really good at it. But I found a book that addressed this issue: Procrastination: Why You Do I and What to Do About It. I started reading it yesterday – it’s divided into 2 parts, the first describes different types of procrastinators, the second gives some methods to address your procrastination. Some of the descriptions really hit home, so I look forward to the second part that will give me some suggestions in tackling the problem.

I started the (hand written) food journal, then stopped at Christmas, then I got an evil cold/stomach thing and I’ve really haven’t been eating, or really doing much of anything. So much for the productive week off of work. Tomorrow is back to work. Sigh. I will miss my daily naps with Psycho Pup.

Anyway, as part of my New Year’s resolutions that I haven’t written down, I’m going to take part in Project NOWASTE at Crunchy Chicken. I try to live a green lifestyle, but feel like a fraud with my overeating and weight. And I’m joining Weight Watchers with a friend. We go to our first meeting a week from today. Those should really be enough resolutions, but I have more. I will post my list of specific resolutions tomorrow!

Happy 2008!